Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Band-Aid Box

Today is my father's 84th birthday, and I'm honoring his memory by sharing a wonderful story from my childhood.

During summers in the mid-70s, my parents, younger brother Joe and I would embark on cross-country round trips (via recreational vehicle) between Indiana (where I was raised) and California (where I was born). There was so much fascination packed between these states: Yellowstone National Park, Boys Town in Nebraska, and Mt. Rushmore, a monument I obsessed over, monumentally, for many of my formative years. "How'd they do that, make those faces out of stone?" my tiny brain wondered.

Along the journey, we'd stay at KOA campgrounds or economy hotels. The large trademark burnt-orange 6 in Motel 6 more than once shone like a beacon for us as night descended, prompting my yawning pilot of a father to pull off and call it a night.

My mom and dad have a favorite story from these good ole days and have regaled us with it many a time over the years at family gatherings or visits with friends. It was the morning after one of our Motel 6 stays, and we were back on the road – much too far down the interstate to turn back in case one of us forgot something in the motel room.

As Dad drove and Mom relaxed in the passenger seat beside him, I suddenly let out a deep, bloodcurdling howl that whipped them around in unison. Through my Old Faithful-caliber tears, I could still see their wide-eyed, wrinkled-brow expressions. "Oh my god, Paul, what's wrong!?"

Between whimpers and gasps for air, I managed to screech "Mmmm ... mmmm... myyy Band-Aid box!!! Wahhhhhhh!!! Wahhhh!!!"

Yes, a Band-Aid box, the metal kind with a hinged lid that snapped shut, cast me into the greatest depths of despair. Only this was no ordinary box. It was the perfect-size storage space for the treasures I loved to collect: wheat pennies, seashells, shiny pebbles. There might have even been a buckeye pod or two in there, too, and, I'm certain, souvenirs from the several landmarks where we stopped, gawked, and posed for photos snapped on a Kodak Instamatic X-15.

Anyways, the Band-Aid box was like a security blanket to me: I clearly couldn't live without it and it wasn't within my clutches. It was somewhere in the motel room we'd left behind at least 50 miles or so.

But my parents – the deeply loving, hard-working, selfless, heavenly human beings that they are – decided the only "Band-Aid" that would heal the situation would be to return to the motel and rescue the missing treasure. They had no qualms about this, especially if it meant quelling my grief and restoring me to a happy, quieter state. Besides, Mt. Rushmore could wait. It wasn't going anywhere.

So Dad, bless his heart – BLESS HIS HEART! – turned the RV around and back to the motel we drove. Quite fortunately we were able to locate the box! It was lodged between the bed and nightstand, swallowed by a wad of nubby chenille bedspread. I quickly, gleefully opened the lid to find all my collectibles intact, not knowing that the seed for a memory I'd treasure for the rest of my life had just been planted.

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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Prayers Answered

I visited my Mom this past Sunday. She lives in Steinbeck country - Salinas - among the vast produce fields that define this "Salad Bowl of the World." Her neighborhood is a mobile home community exclusively for seniors. Since I live in Oakland, about a 90-minute drive from there, I feel at ease that she lives here among folk who look after her and for whom she keeps an eye out.

Mom, in my garden, 2012. I owe my green thumb to her.  
Recently I found out that some cable TV sales guys had knocked on her door, wanting to help her reduce her monthly bill. I was mortified when she told me she invited them in! I scolded her for doing so. Mom can be tough and is one who tells it like it is - a real straightshooter - but she's also incredibly sweet and naive and 84. And we all know that there are cruel people who take advantage of ladies with an innocence like hers. After learning that Mom let strangers in her house ("They were really nice," she told me.), I immediately called her friend Norma, who runs the mobile home park with her husband Steve. Good people. I was relieved when Norma told me that she was aware of the unwelcome door-to-door salesmen. They'd even called the sheriff at one time. "Don't worry about them," she said. "They've come around here before and we chased them out then, too. They come back, we'll chase 'em out again." This mostly put me at ease, but my imagination still ran wild with thoughts of men with perverted smiles accosting my mother, rummaging through her desk drawer and finding her checkbook, making their way toward her jewelry box on top of the dresser, and yes, committing unfathomable acts on her body. 

During my recent visit, I hugged my mom extra tightly and for an extra while longer than I usually do. I was happy, excited and thankful to see her, and happier still after seeing how vibrant she looked. I adore her personal style, which usually consists of jeans, a comfy sweater or top I've never seen before, and impossibly clean white Keds leather sneakers. Her hair (still thick!) is always beautifully coifed. Damn, if I'm lucky enough to live to be her age, I hope to be in as good of shape. (I attribute her vitality to a mostly Korean diet and keeping busy with tons of activities: churchgoing, quilting, baby grand piano playing, and mimicking Angela Lansbury's "Positive Moves" via videotape). Hugo and his father stood in line behind me, awaiting their turns for a bear hug that smelled like lavender soap and Paul Mitchell hairspray and love. 

"Ohhhh, my boys are here! I missed you guys. Come eat. It's all ready!" she declares, as I slip down the hallway, into her bedroom to visit Dad. My mouth is watering because of the aromas wafting from the kitchen (doenjang chigae!) but I don't sit down to eat until I've paid my respects. Dad's ashes are in a large, solid-wood box, atop a tall bureau that flanks the bed. My mother swathed the box in an American flag and displayed family photos around it. The tableau's always a little different each time I visit. Usually there's an adorable bouquet of garden-picked flowers next to the box - or a beguiling orchid she scored at the flea market from Mexicans who gave her a great bargain. This time, I noticed a photo of me and Hugo made it to the ever-changing display. This had never happened before. I suddenly felt very privileged. The snapshot was from much earlier in our 16-year relationship; my hair was longer, Hugo'd done something fancy with his facial hair, we were both much thinner. Dad adored Hugo and his parents, who actually used to live down the street from them for a few years. Those were the days. We could visit all four parents in one fell swoop. And we'd always leave stuffed to the gills after being gleefully fed by two mothers who loved to cook for our very appreciate mouths. 

I pause to look at another framed photo. It's of my parents from the 50th wedding anniversary my siblings and I threw for them. Mom is behind him, her tiny arms wrapped around his neck while he's looking back at her with his signature bratty smirk. You can tell they were loving every minute of that moment. Did I snap that photo? Regardless, it's priceless.

As I lay my head on the box with my father's remains, I pray to him, thanking him for watching over Mom and our family. Dad taught me to pray when I was in grade school and went to bible school. It's a childhood habit I haven't shaken, although as an adult I now pray to those whom I knew but have passed from this life - beloved cats included. I don't believe in God; they are my gods, the spirits, the security blankets that help guide me through and comfort me in this life. Every morning and evening, my prayer opens with the same line: "Dear Daddy, Halmoni, Pidge, Grandma Cannon, Mamae and Sammy, thank you for all we have and for all we don't have ..." 

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Saturday, February 16, 2013

Sammy

We laid Sammy to rest on Tuesday morning. Dr. Grant came to the house the previous night to administer the sodium thiopental, which I now know is one of the drugs used for lethal injections on death row criminals. To us, it seemed criminal that our little guy – a flame point Siamese with impossibly light-blue eyes and cream-colored fur – was leaving us so soon, too soon. We’d adopted him at a pet store eight years ago and adored him every single day of those eight years.

He lay quietly in the plush, circular bed Hugo had bought for him at a pet store, which shared a parking lot with the vet clinic we loathed visiting. Dr. Grant – or David as we’d come to know him from seeing him way too often because we’d chosen aggressive chemotherapy to treat Sammy’s intestinal lymphoma – first administered a heavy sedative which within seconds caused our baby’s head to sink further down into the bed. (I’ll never get that image out of my head – ever.) There was no turning back. He had nodded off already, sleep the painless prelude for the inevitable tidal wave of pain Hugo and I would somehow have to endure.

From first needle to the second, I was holding the kitty bed on my lap, my hand tucked inside it stroking Sammy nervously, lovingly, letting him know that we were there to the very end, needing to feel the warmth of his body a final time. “I love you, Sammy. We love you, Sammy.” Occasionally, I would bend forward to kiss the top of his head, the head I’d caressed in my hands countless times so I could stare into his eyes and wonder what he might be thinking as he stared back into mine. I couldn’t bear to look at Hugo, who was too choked with grief to speak, his face pink and wet. I loved him so much in that moment. How could I feel so alive when death was so near for something we deeply cherished? For Hugo especially, Sammy was more than just a bratty, blue-eyed beast with a cashmere belly and irresistible nature. He was a reminder of a happier chapter in our lives. Hugo’s mother was with us then, cooking us scrumptious meals every weekend, her laughs echoing throughout the house. Back then, chronic heart disease was someone else’s disease, not Hugo’s. Sammy was a refuge from life’s unpredictable cruelties – what would be our salvation now? 

We buried him the next morning, Tuesday. It was cold and overcast. The day before – the very long day before when we had to wait until Dr. Grant arrived – we’d dug a three-foot-deep space in our garden, next to the patch of ornamental bamboo Sammy loved to munch on while I sipped coffee and kept a close eye on him. As Hugo and I tossed fresh rose petals into the cool, muddy opening in the ground, I would see Sammy everywhere. There he was, traipsing atop the deck railing, or lapping water from the “froggy fountain,” or flat-out ignoring my pleas to not wander under the deck. Oh, how much richer our lives are because of him.


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

What It's Like to Be Held Hostage

Originally published Sept. 4, 2011, on Salon.

The front page of the San Francisco Chronicle on Dec. 7, 1994,
featured the drama at the Powell and Market street
branch of Bank of America the day before.
Tuesday, Dec. 6, 1994, began as a day like any other at the San Francisco bank where I worked as a financial services representative. At 9 a.m. on the dot, security guards unlocked the bank's massive steel doors, granting the flood of customers access to the colossal, marble lobby. Among them was Amanuel Abraha, a strange man who wasn't a stranger to me. Just two weeks prior, I'd opened checking and savings accounts for him. He had a pudgy build and skin the tone of honey. He was slovenly and solemn, qualities that could be off-putting to some, but it elicited only empathy from me. He'd often sidle up to my mahogany desk, requesting I check his account balance, and every time, I would oblige -- although I knew the amount hadn't changed much, if at all, from the previous time I'd checked. I suspected he had more than banking on his mind. But I just thought he wanted someone to listen to him, so I did. I had no idea this extra attention might save my life that day.


Shortly after sitting down, Amanuel ripped opened his bulky nylon coat, exposing a tangled web of wires, accented with two hand grenades that clung to his torso like pendulums frozen on their upswing.

"Who's in charge here?" he quietly demanded. His eyes were piercing in a way I will never forget. They became more menacing as he leaned in toward me. I felt so alone at that moment. I couldn't comprehend why no one around me seemed to notice the insanity that had just reared its head.

Amanuel had strewn several shopping bags on the patch of carpet in front of my desk. But then he reached into one, a red bag from Macy's, and pulled out a polyester Santa hat, the kind you get at Walgreen's for cheap. He tossed it onto my desk, and it landed with a heavy thud before nearly knocking over my nameplate. I could see something metallic sticking out from under its white brim. I felt like I was on an airplane I had just discovered was about to crash.

The front-page story in the San Francisco Chronicle that appeared the next day never mentioned that Amanuel was Muslim or referred to him as a suicide bomber. Today, the same story would undoubtedly include those descriptors. Acts of senseless violence seem to always have a "war on terror" angle now. Regardless of how the incident was reported, one thing is unfortunately certain: I know what it's like to be terrorized.

I was sweating, yet had never felt so cold in my life. I could barely remember the name of my colleague one desk over.

"Uh ... Jo .. uh ... Jollin," I forced myself to say, trying desperately not to stammer, but at the same time hoping she could read the panic on my face. "Would you mind asking Bill to come over here right away? My customer has an extremely urgent matter."

 "Oh, sure, Paul. Gimme a sec," she replied, clearly not detecting anything amiss. As I waited the few minutes for Bill, the branch manager, to arrive, I felt like I was being suffocated.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you," Amanuel said, flashing an expression I could only interpret as schizophrenic madness. "This is going to be one big party. Everyone can have whatever they want to eat or drink!"

He unloaded the contents from the rest of his shabby shopping bags: Monstrous bottles of Jose Cuervo tequila; enough candy canes to treat an entire grade school; stuffed animals all scattered on my desk. Rotten fruit came next, and then a goldleaf-embossed, leather-bound edition of the Quran.

I've always been fidgety, unable to keep still. This is what paralysis must feel like, I thought, except that I could feel that the back of my turtleneck sweater was drenched with perspiration. When you think you're about to die, you soak up every detail. The world slowed down, and I couldn't look away from my captor's eyes. They were a soft brown shade, like caramel, with a pensiveness that was pure torture to me. He began mumbling something I couldn't understand. Tears moistened his cheeks. He picked up the sacred book and extracted a wallet-size snapshot tucked inside. The murky-gray backdrop hinted that the photo was taken at a chain portrait studio. A plain-Jane white woman with blond hair and a lace-collared chenille sweater hugged the waist of a little boy (maybe 3 years old?) with a precocious smile. He had perfectly tousled, butterscotch curls and lightly honey-hued skin.

I didn't need Amanuel to tell me the boy was his son; the resemblance was striking. Why wasn't he in the photo? I wondered, as he cradled it in his left palm, as if it had cast a spell on him.

You might be thinking that this would only happen on "Law & Order." I thought that myself pretty much throughout the entire ordeal. It was my cameo role: the hapless victim who would die five minutes into the episode. All I can say is that the drama, the suspense, the perp who had completely lost his mind -- it was all there, staring me in the face.

"Paul, what I can do for ya?" Bill asked, interrupting us. Amanuel's eyes hardened, like a watchdog startled by a stranger. Bill's trademark confidence disappeared as he took in the same grenades-and-wire peep show I was treated to just moments ago.

"So you're in charge?" Amanuel asked sarcastically. "Wrong!"

Bill and I turned into impromptu negotiators. We remained motionless, powerless, wondering how to proceed without setting off this ticking time bomb. The lobby was abuzz with customers, but crying out for help wasn't an option. We figured we'd be blown to smithereens if we did, along with the entire building and customers who had walked unwittingly into a minefield. John, another bank officer, happened to be sauntering by, a good 10 feet away but still within earshot.

"Uh, John, could you please cancel my meeting with Rosenberg?" Bill asked.

The request was code for an emergency situation. John's eyes widened, only for a split second, and he responded with the ease of a theater actor. "Will do, Bill!"

I waited for Amanuel to catch on, to stop John, who was now calmly approaching the bank's main entrance to flag down the street cops who often hovered outside. I wondered anxiously what would happen next. I was now hostage to my imagination (stupid imagination!) I pictured Amanuel firing at John's back, a single bullet ripping through his crisp Brooks Brothers shirt and exploding his heart.

Amanuel didn't even have a gun, but kept his eyes locked on Bill and me. With his back turned to the lobby, he hadn't a clue of the "undercover" transaction. All I could think about was those grenades I'd seen in too many high-adrenaline action flicks. I saw myself being blown to bits, a part of my ribcage landing on a teller window, thatches of my dark hair blown across the marble floor, my blood splattered like a Pollock painting on the window behind my desk.



Three police officers in SWAT gear entered the bank, arms extended, guns cocked. Amanuel swung around as they yelled, in unison, "Freeze, hold it right there! It isn't worth it!"

Their guns were aimed at Amanuel, but I sat in the line of fire. Amanuel sprung up and snatched me by my jacket's collar, in what would become a failed attempt to secure me as a human shield. Miraculously, he tripped while trying to drag me down with him to take cover behind the desk, and I scurried away on all fours.

 I had no idea what happened to Bill, John or Jollin at that point. I had one focus and one focus only: to get the hell out of there. I crawled toward the exit and sprinted several blocks up Powell Street, a free flow of sweat, tears and snot streaming down my face. I stopped to catch my breath, marveling at how everyone around me dared to go about their business as usual. I wanted to cry out, to warn them that the bank was about to explode, that I needed to help my co-workers and customers out of there. Nothing came out but gasps of air.

I had run maybe 10 blocks. As I caught my breath, I began heading back, cautiously. Growing closer, I could see a few colleagues had exited and stood near the entrance. Their bewildered eyes searched me for answers upon my arrival. Before I could utter a word, there was a cacophony of gunfire coming from the bank. It was a loud pop-popping sound -- not what I expected, more like firecrackers during the Chinese New Year Parade. I thought about the bank's employees still inside -- many of whom I'd casually chatted with not even two hours earlier. Then as quickly as it came, the gunfire ceased, an eerie silence signaling to me that the standoff was over. 

It turns out that all of them, as well as that morning's customers, had escaped unharmed -- at least physically. Two tellers were holding each other, crying hysterically, when police conducted a thorough search of the bank and discovered them in a coat closet. They had been hiding there during the entire exchange of gunfire.

Hours later, a detective escorted me to the crime scene to answer questions. My workspace was unrecognizable: The computer monitor shattered, the desk splintered by gunfire. The large plant next to my filing cabinet looked as if someone had slivered its long tapered leaves with a straight razor. A patch of blood-soaked carpet marked the spot from which I'd managed to escape.

I eventually learned what happened after I fled: Amanuel used my desk as a wall between him and the officers. He hurled one of the grenades at them, and they retaliated with bullets -- lots of bullets -- killing him instantly. The grenades turned out to be nonlethal World War II replicas. The Santa hat contained nothing but harmless electronic components.



As I exited the bank, I was careful not to slip on any of the hundreds of bullet casings that littered the shiny marble floor. I wondered what had happened to the photo of the mother and curly-haired, honey-skinned child. I hoped, for whatever reason, that Amanuel was still clutching it as he died. "I'm not going to hurt you," he had told me. He kept his word.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Home(town) Is Where the Heart Is

A familiar beacon, the town's water tower. 
Although I was born in California and have lived in the Bay Area for 25 years, I will always consider Pendleton, Indiana, my hometown.

It's where I attended grades 1-12 and whiled away sticky, sweltering summers at the ballpark and public pool. It's also where I - ahem - lost my virginity.

Except for a few hiccups along the way, I had a mostly happy upbringing. But despite the town's positive influences on my younger days, I still couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. I was one of only a few kids of Asian heritage, so I never felt that I completely fit in. Add to that those awkward teen years - years made even more awkward by someone telling you that you run like a girl. But no matter how I ran, I ran fast - and I had a plan, too. I'd run all the way to California to live with my sisters after I graduated high school. I'd meet other people with Asian roots - and other boys who ran like girls.

But memories, whether good or bad, seem to keep me coming back to Indiana. I took an early summer trip there to visit my two older brothers and their families. We're terrible about keeping in touch because we're men of few words when it comes to phone conversations. We much prefer (and are much better at) speaking with our hearts. I caught up with nephews and nieces, some of whom had new high school diplomas, new homes, new families of their own. Sure, this made me feel a little old, but I'm more thankful than anything that they are doing well in their lives, that they keep family close. I don't see them as much as I'd like to but that doesn't mean I don't adore them any less.

9006 Surrey Drive, Pendleton, Indiana. The house I lived in from ages 6-18. 

I also visited my aunt and uncle, who immigrated to the U.S. in 1978 from South Korea with their two children and my maternal grandmother. They have an incredible garden in a rural expanse of earth just outside Indianapolis, complete with a small fish pond where a blue heron once swooped in for a meal - uninvited. 

I saw their daughter, my cousin Ahran, for the first time since her kidney and pancreas transplants. Diabetes had wreaked havoc on her young body. She was on a waiting list for organs for too gruelingly of a long time. I know the waiting and false alarms were torture on her and am so grateful that doctors were able to finally, FINALLY locate a donor with viable organs. She's always had an infectious smile, but now you can't see the worry poking out from behind it. (I don't think it's there anymore.) I hugged her more tightly this time. I also got to meet her partner, Douglas, who had endured a similar surgery. They found each other on Facebook. I find that so touching and modern. I am so happy that she’s found love - and with someone who completely understands her journey.

I drove out to the brick two-story yellow house on Surrey Drive, pausing to marvel at the maple and apple trees my father, brothers and I planted. They now stand taller than the second-story roof. I imagined Dad mowing the enormous lawn which I despised having to rake. I thought of my younger brother, Joe, who during the eulogy at my father’s memorial service in 2004, held up a simple photograph of the house. There were no people in the picture, yet it told so much. Joe said it reminded him of Dad. I understood completely. A place has no soul until someone brings it there. My father brought it there. He brought us there.

Our next-door neighbors, the Cliftons, still lived next door. In fact, Marvin, whose swagger I'd recognize in a crowd of thousands, just happened to be out trimming his hedges. I jumped out of the car to greet him. He didn't recognize me until I told him who I was. He had completely white hair as did his wife, Martha. They filled me in on what their children (and grandchildren) were up to these days. I could tell the years had been good to them.

Deeper into the old neighborhood – the charmingly titled Fiddler's Green – I noticed the wide open spaces of my childhood were now occupied with impeccable homes and meticulously manicured lawns. Despite the telltale signs of suburban sprawl, folks in Indiana still don't fence themselves in like city dwellers. It's a testament to the state's warm, welcoming culture. People still leave their doors unlocked at night. Strangers wave at you as if they've known you all their lives. Evening chats on the front porch are a tradition that even the "lightening bugs" seem to approve. I saw friends from high school whom I hadn't seen in 25 years, yet it was so easy to just pick up where we left off.

It was wonderful and fulfilling to relive what I'd forgotten that I loved about being back home again in Indiana. I never thought I'd say that - and it feels so good that I did.

While waiting for my flight back to California, a massive thunderstorm threatened to deter the journey. Was Mother Nature trying to keep me there? Did the sky suddenly sense my sadness in leaving a place that has meant so much, erupting in tears to match my own? I like to think so. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Artist Who Painted A Lasting Impression

Here's Alice in 2008, creating a watercolor painting, plein air, in the gardens of Stone Head, Brown County, Indiana.  
Alice Michael was my childhood idol.

She and Mike, one of my older brothers, were high school sweethearts during my formative years in a small Indiana town called Pendleton.

Although I have two older sisters, too, Alice was like a third. She took us to the pool, took us to see Mike play football and baseball, cooked us our first Mulligan stew, handcrafted the coolest, cutest greeting cards. She made us feel extra special.

I still have those cards tucked away somewhere - they are priceless and I remember them so vividly. One, a Halloween card, featured a photograph of her on the cover that she'd artfully altered to make her appear Bride of Frankenstein-like scary. The effect was more humorous though. It was accompanied by the message “I'M CRAZY...” then inside was the pay off “...ABOUT YOU!” Another card — for my birthday – read: “TO A KEEN TEEN,” and featured her original color sketch of a lanky, pubescent me, complete with '80s-style feathered hairdo, cool shades and a tennis racket. Come to think of it, she even drew a net and court in the background. She never missed a detail.

Alice was the quintessential girl next door - but way smarter, funnier, creative and more beautiful. She was on the swim and track teams and in the top 10 percent of her graduating class. She didn’t have to wear much makeup, and her skin was the type that turned a perfect honey-like bronze in summer. I adored her so much — not in a childhood crush kind of way though. I simply aspired to be like her. In my eyes, she was perfection. She was my idol.

Alice and Mike would eventually marry, and although they aren’t together today, I still hold a special place in my heart for this inspiring woman. I am taking a trip to Indiana this month and look forward to possibly reuniting with her. Meanwhile, I’ll try and unearth those precious greeting cards she so lovingly made for me.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Generations

My father, Arnold Cannon, 1930-2004
As another Memorial Day Weekend approaches, and I see American flags waving here and there, I immediately think of my hero - my late father, Arnold Barry Cannon, who served in the Korean and Vietnam wars. I miss him terribly. He often talked about his days in "the service." Oh, the stories he would tell.

I'm sure my youngest brother, Joseph James Cannon, another of my heroes, is familiar with plenty of these stories, too. As I write this, Joe (the baby of the family, there are six of us kids) is out there somewhere in the world, on another tour of duty for the U.S. Navy. He's an electronic warfare specialist or EW as they call it. As I understand it, he helps crack codes and disrupt signals.

Joe's due to return to San Diego in September, where he lives with his wife, Sarah, and their daughter, Quinn. He also has a son, Rylie, who will graduate from high school in Indiana next month and plans to attend college in California.

Joe's deployment and Rylie's high school days will soon end, yet these life events will point the way toward new beginnings - making up for lost time with family, embarking on a college education, each generation constantly learning from the other. Now those are some damn good reasons to wave a flag proudly.


That's my brother, Joe, standing at far left.